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About me

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

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Notable ascents

By type Diff. band Ascents Hardest ascent
43 V3* Lemmings 4 years ago
28 21** Pimp Daddy Superstar 4 years ago
20 21** Pimp Daddy Superstar 4 years ago
11 18** Diddy Kong 4 years ago
3 17** L'Arch 4 years ago
Red point
4 21** Pimp Daddy Superstar 4 years ago
8 18*** The Initiation 3 years ago
By style Diff. band Ascents Hardest ascent
17 21** Pimp Daddy Superstar 4 years ago
16 18*** The Initiation 3 years ago
10 V3* Lemmings 4 years ago
By area Diff. band Ascents Hardest ascent
10 V1* Face and flake 3 years ago
Felltimber Creek Crag
9 V3* Lemmings 4 years ago
Mount Buffalo
8 18*** The Initiation 3 years ago
7 18*** Depleted Gonad Circumference 4 years ago
18** Diddy Kong 4 years ago
The Rock
5 15** Angie 5 years ago
15** Scratched Knees 5 years ago

Ascents by grade and route style

Ascents by grade and tick type

Performance chart by route style

Performance chart by tick type

Performance table

Period Total ascents Hardest Performing at
General Pink point Red point Flash Onsight
Q2 2015 1 12
Q1 2015 1 16
Q4 2013 2 15
Q1 2013 7 2018
Q4 2012 8 18144
Q3 2012 3 2015
Q2 2012 7 181715
Q1 2012 5 2320
Q4 2011 7 1615
Q1 2011 2 15


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